I’m struggling. I’m struggling right now to keep telling my story.
Because the deeper I’ve gone on this journey, the less it’s become about finding the beautiful and the more it’s been about finding the wise in the everyday. The desire to learn and to grow has become all-important to me.
But my wisdom is my own learning and so, inevitably perhaps, this story has moved closer and closer to home – it’s become more personal. And I have no idea whether it speaks to anyone else.
They say that through our own wounds others may heal. That by bringing a spirit of openness, authenticity, love, and compassion to our ourselves and our wounds, we may show others how to do the same.
I have no idea if I do this. I hope that sometimes I do.
But as I have gone so much deeper recently into my particular wound – and excavated old shame, self-loathing and a total lack of self-worth, it’s been hard not to let that affect every aspect of my life – maybe especially what I write here, because here I go public. Here, I write in the hope that what I have to say and share is of some worth to someone other than myself. And, here, I have to face the possibility that it isn’t.
And it’s a funny – or unusual – thing to write about, perhaps. But it also felt like the most honest and authentic thing. Which, to me, is also the most meaningful thing.
And because I still have too many days when things feel a little bit too meaningless – too many days when I find myself fighting the thought that there must be something more – I know that I have deeper still to go. Into my own heart. To clear away the debris there that blocks the flow of the authentic me – of the infinitely meaningful love and joy that I know is our natural state.
But as a spirit guide said to me in a conversation recently – I have wanted the kind of joy that comes easily and quickly – with a snap of the fingers – and goes just as fast. Am I ready, he asked me, for the deeper joy that comes from within me and that exists in spite of the crap..?
…Am I ready to meet me? he asked.
And the answer is yes.
So, if I have a New Year’s resolution this year, it is just that – to really meet myself. To open my heart to me – and so to life.
And I do believe that we are never the only ones. But lack of openness often prevents us from knowing that. And so we continue to lock ourselves up in cupboards of self-condemnation and guilt. Hiding when we could be healing.
And, in this belief, I will continue to post here – in spite of self doubt and shame. And hope that we will all find that, actually, we are not alone. And it’s OK to love where we have hated.
New mum, old soul… Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)…