Should’ve Could’ve

Last week was my birthday. In less than a month it will be my daughter’s first. I remember – just – how things were – the expectations I had – this time last year.

Totally crazy expectations.

And I’ve been watching Working Mums. The one where Kate has a second baby. As a single mum. And makes it all look easy. And she has this really cute second baby. And maybe, also, I’m thinking, a chance to do all the things right that didn’t feel so right first time round.

Motherhood constantly reminds me of my desire for perfection and the fact that I still have it. This gap I create between what is and what I imagine should be merely by imagining a should…

I should/could’ve been more patient…

I should/could’ve been more chilled…

I should/could’ve been more happy…

I should/could’ve been more healthy…

The list goes on.

My husband gets irritated by these useless reflections of mine. And so I add I should/could’ve been more positive to my ever-growing list.

At which he comes back to me – no, just accept yourself!!

As if that is my only flaw – not accepting my imperfections.

And maybe – actually – it’s like my birthday – a beautiful birthday lunch, a beautiful venue, but my daughter behaving like a sausage and screaming most the way through it. A spa and a massage afterwards – but me recovering from tonsillitis and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by the thought of having to return to said sausage-like behaviour later in the evening.

Yet, it was a lovely day and, in its imperfection, left me room to believe that maybe, from now on, I would like to treat everyday like my birthday – that that was actually possible.

To wake up each morning expecting to feel special. To expect to be surprised and looked after by the world. To expect to feel loved. To feel free to treat myself and do the things that make me happy. Because I only have one life. And we deserve to live every day like it’s our day.

And when we don’t need, or expect, the day, or ourselves, to be perfect, there is suddenly a space for everyday – and for ourselves – to be closer to whatever “perfect” presumes itself to be.

For everyday to be special. And to be able recognise all the ways in which we, ourselves, are already just that.

strangeoldlife

Sarah Nabarro View All →

New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...

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