A diagnosis of Complex PTSD was confirmed today.
And, once the initial relief faded, I found myself left with an overwhelming grief. Grief for lost, or wasted, years spent in pain and grief for all the times I’ve been let down, or, worse, trusted people who were unworthy of my trust and who made things much worse – or, at best, people who have helped me to waste more of those precious years in confusion and frustration. And there is grief, too, over the mother I might have been this year if I had been well.
But I remember reading somewhere at some point the sentence, You didn’t come this far only to come this far. Today, these words came back to me.
So I have to believe in and look to a better future. I may not yet understand what purpose the past has served me, but it’s got me to this point, and so I owe it to myself to move beyond it. And maybe that is the lesson (I really don’t know) – but to be able to let go of 37 years of life that have not been lived as I might now choose to live them – perhaps that in itself is deep spiritual learning.
New mum, old soul… Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)…