Sometimes, being a mother can feel like going back to school. The groups I’m meant to join, the classes I need to sign up to, the fact of my postcode and the age of my baby defining which mums I need to end up friends with…
Sometimes, I get triggered. Sometimes, the small person in me – Little Me – is totally overwhelmed by events that seem to threaten to make a less than happy past recur all over again. I was not happy throughout my school years and, without anyone with whom I could share my anxieties, ended up desperately lonely.
I was a bit different – didn’t quite fit in. But until we learn to love our own differences and uniqueness then it’s hard for others to do that for us. Motherhood keeps teaching me that I’m still doing this – there are still so many times when I question the things I have, or haven’t, done that maybe I was expected to do, or the groups I have failed to become a part of. But – really – I didn’t fail – I chose. It’s just that Little Me feels like maybe I failed…
I realise that this comes down to a terrible fear of being left alone again and not wanting to make any kind of “mistake” that will land me back up in that terrible lonely place.
Recently – having given up “healing” as such – I have instead turned to developing my relationship with myself and how I am in the world. I’ve realised that it’s my (lack of) relationship with my younger selves that has been causing me all the pain and holding me back.
So, I’m trying to re-parent Little Me – we talk to each other throughout the day – especially when she gets herself into a state about something, and I can feel the pain coming on. I talk to her as if I was her mother, and – even though I know it’s all “Me” really – it feels like there’s a “We” and that “we” need to have this dialogue. For now anyway.
But, triggered once again today, I found that, this time, I didn’t know what to tell this distressed Little Person in my head. So I looked to the trees – to Nature – to show me the way… It seems to be my new philosophy in Life – if I don’t know, ask Nature.
And I saw these beautiful, strong, rooted beings, who never complicate life by asking so many questions, or having so many doubts. And I realised that by not having doubts and questions – by their ability to purely BE in the world – they are always truly, one hundred percent authentically themselves (in a tree-like way).
And I realised that I have been asking myself the wrong questions all along. It isn’t about whether I should, or shouldn’t, have done/been/accepted x/y/z. The only question that matters is – was I being authentically myself when I did these things?
And, if I was, then I guess the tree’s answer would be that I am not and never alone – I am rooted strongly in the earth and in myself, and I will attract the “birds, bees and other insects” – the friends, networks and partners – that I need.
That it is only in not following my heart and in not being myself that I can lose my way – become uprooted and disconnected.
So, if there’s something I could tell Little Me now, it’s that the only “mistake” she’s ever made has been to not trust her own heart. That all the answers are there – and only there.
Is this why we call it Mother Nature?
New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...