I’m actually struggling to write.
And I realise this has to do with a new sense of peace. It is easy to create art from, or about, pain, or trauma. The material is there, the need to speak and express oneself is alive, and the desire to create meaning, or “gold” as I now call it, from the darkness is a strong motivator.
So, in a funny way, writing my blog in more hopeful circumstances is more challenging. I feel a little like the artist Edvard Munch, who, when offered psychotherapy by his friend (a psychotherapist), refused, because he felt that he would then have nothing to paint about. He would lose the psychological material – the pain – from which he created his art.
But the other side to my sudden lack of creative drive is the fact that I am creating this peace.
We had a bad night with the little one in the heat wave last night, and, all morning, I felt pretty awful. I struggled to stay open, or believe that the Universe was going to gift me anything nice at all today.
And yet, when I stepped outside, there was a gentle rain to cool me down and refresh me.
There was chocolate (a gift from and to myself).
There was coffee with a lovely mum friend – another one with whom I can talk about all the things that actually matter.
My husband cooked us dinner.
And I am so grateful for all you lovely readers who take the time to read what I write.
And while each thing, on its own, in the context of my new, more peaceful inner self, doesn’t feel like anything to write home about (the contrast between these things and everything else in my life is suddenly less) what is perhaps extraordinary is my ability to create my own life in a way that I want at last.
Because I was determined to receive something today, determined to “stay open”, determined to ask for more. Believing slowly, at last, that I deserve better – better than a bad day after a rough night, better than simply holding on till the evening when my daughter’s father could take over, and I could collapse with exhaustion.
I am learning to believe that I can choose.
New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...