I’ve been listening to Adele’s song Chasing Pavements… It’s funny that moment when something you’ve heard, or seen, before hundreds of times suddenly actually makes sense. That moment you realise you never really understood it before – and now you do, and you’ll never listen/see it in the same way again.
I suddenly get it.
I get the choice she is singing about – those times in one’s life (clearly it’s not just me – it’s Adele too, so I’m in good company at least) when one feels so lost and confused – overwhelmed even – with all the unknowns and the sense that whatever may be going to happen – the desired something – might not be going to happen anytime soon – so that you either just have to “give up”, or “chase pavements”, while you wait for the Universe to show you its cards.
I’m looking for a new purpose – one beyond being a boob and a mother to my beautiful daughter. I love being a mother, but I’m looking for something more again. I don’t know what it is yet.
But is there something beautiful in the not-knowing? Is chasing pavements a more beautiful endeavour than I – or Adele – are allowing for? …Even if it leads nowhere (Adele again.) Because there’s no such thing as nowhere – it just might not be the somewhere that I – or she – are looking for. It might be more beautiful; it might not be.
I imagine myself walking through a wood and picking leaves and plants as I go – things one might stick in a scrap book. And I imagine putting them all together whenever I get to the somewhere that may be nowhere – and it’s the things I’ve collected on the journey that are the beautiful things here – these are the things that make up the beautiful picture that is the future.
Leaves so disintegrated that all that is left are golden veins between which shine the sunlight. Berries whose coloured juices have left traces on leaves, petals and skin – like paint. Dried petals forming heart shapes in my palm.
I am collecting pieces of Life. And when I look at them, they are, in themselves, already beautiful.
New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...