I finally got it.
The thing about choice. I’ve started asking questions again – and the answers are finally making sense.
This morning, a healer I connected with recently gave me some tough love. She told me not to be the victim. She reminded me I have a choice. She also reminded me I’ve made this choice before. (I did – when I discovered I was pregnant, I felt so joyful that I told two and a half years of Fibro pain there wasn’t space for it in my life anymore. Within a couple of days or so it had all but vanished… I’d hoped it would never come back, of course.) She said to me – there is nothing to be healed – it’s just a choice.
I’ll admit, in that moment, I felt a bit hopeless. If we knew how to choose otherwise, so many of us so often would.
So then I went to the chemist to pick up a new prescription. More drugs, more powerful than the first lot, and with other – more powerful drugs – to limit the side effects of these (with their own side effects of course).
And then I thought – it stops here. And suddenly I realised I was making a choice. And I realised that I just need to keep choosing.
Childbirth and new motherhood was traumatic for me – as it is for so many mothers in our society. More than anything, I remember the fear it triggered. And the more fearful I allowed myself to become, the more I contracted myself – the less powerful I felt and became. I lost a sense of the choices that I could make and even how to make them.
I didn’t choose pain, or sickness, because I wanted to. I chose it unconsciously until I didn’t know how to choose anything else. Until I lost faith in my ability to choose anything at all.
I suspect that the healing this healer gave me over the weekend helped – but ultimately it was her words that were the catalyst – I chose to expand and in that expanded space I remembered that I get to choose – everything. I know that this doesn’t mean I’ll feel all better tomorrow – but whatever happens tomorrow, I get to decide how I perceive it and what I do with it. I get to stay “expanded”, or I contract again.
Knowing how to choose differently – it’s my missing link (and I don’t think I’m alone). I’m not sure I’m quite at the stage where I’m ready to say how grateful I am for the journey Fibro has taken me on. Not yet. But I am grateful for this learning – it feels like the most powerful and beautiful lesson of all.
New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...