Struggling to find the words to express what happened today… Feels like I may have, for now at least, lost an old friend. Someone with whom I have been very close, until a chasm opened up between us as I became a mother.
Sometimes, I think, one has to lose friends in order to to grow a friendship with oneself… Some friendships are mutually exclusive in the end.
I was looking for wisdom, beauty and healing today, and I don’t know that this is any of those things. But this is a part of motherhood as I’m experiencing it. Prioritising me, because the whole fort falls apart if I don’t. And because my daughter needs me. And I need me.
I’m trying desperately to find beauty in this sadness. Maybe it’s in self-love… I close one door to open another. Bittersweet. I’m struggling to embrace the bitterness in life, still.
But as my healer and current mentor says, that’s why we’re here – to embrace all the experiences and feelings. That’s what being human is. (My words, his thoughts.)
It’s not always beautiful. I know that. It’s full of compromise and choices we don’t want to have to make.
But, it seems to me – when I push myself – that maybe being human – whether, or not, we believe it’s a choice (and I do believe I chose it) is a terribly brave thing to be. To choose this life is terribly brave.
So there’s the beauty.
New mum, old soul... Finding beauty, wisdom, spirituality, and opportunities for learning in the everyday (hopefully)...